I’m picking up writing about Activate: An Entirely New Approach to Small Groups. My first entry had to do with Nelson and Kerrick’s encouragement to rethink how we see small group ministry. Basically, they challenged the reader to think from the outside in, not the inside out when planning your small group ministry. In this section we’ll move ahead to their Big Idea #3, which is Think Friends… Not Intimacy.
This concept is where the title of the book truly takes life. It is, as they put it, “the pink elephant in the room of small groups planning.” They definitely deliver on this promise. The contention in this section is that “small groups are not the best place for intimate relationships to form.” That’s a bombshell in the small group world and goes against the grain of what we tell our church bodies. We often make the empty promise that attenders will find real, meaningful, intimate relationships IN small groups. This is not the reality, unfortunately. The truth is that small groups are a catalyst to forming these types of relationships, but not the vehicle.
The authors write, “promises of close friendship at the outset lead to less spiritual growth, more frustration and fewer people signing up for your church’s small groups.” In a sense, people can feel manipulated and lied to if you do not deliver on your promise. If church leaders are not careful in their presentation, they can come off like a dishonest used car salesman. However, the approach that should be made is that if your attenders join a group they will have the opportunity to form new, basic friendships. What happens after that is really up to the individual. The world is skeptical of the church and when we make over-generalized statements and promises we’re setting ourselves up to fail. People appreciate honesty and your message should honor that when promoting joining a group or any church activity. Honesty is the best policy…
The chapter then moves into the discussion of The Four Spaces of Spiritual Growth. These four principles were developed by Joseph Myers in his book The Search to Belong. At their core, these ideas support the belief that “we have been trying to force a level of familiarity in an environment that’s not conducive to it.” The church must constantly wrestle with this dilemma; over-promising and under-delivering. “We have undersold the importance of basic friendships… and oversold the importance of personal and intimate relationships and have tried to force our small-group members into such relationships, even though our small groups have always been fundamentally structured to accommodate social, not personal or intimate, connections.”
The first space of spiritual growth is known as the Public Space. This space is defined “as a group of 20 or more people.” Within this space one would find little or no personal interaction and it is a place where a person can remain anonymous. Examples of this space would be a church, mall, concert, etc.
The Social Space is the second area discussed and is a “gathering of anywhere from 5 to 20 people.” Within this space everyone will know your name, but not much beyond that. Personal information is generally off-limits and not discussed. Unlike the public space, you will not find a lecturer or teacher here, but you will need “a leader or facilitator” to guide discussion and set the direction of the space. “The social space is the most conducive environment for getting to know new people.” An example of a social space would be a “fun” church event, a break room at the office, or time spent with friends in a public setting.
Third on the list is the area known as Personal Space. This space usually consists of 2-5 people. In this space everyone will “know more than just your name; they will know details about your life.” The personal space is an area filled with close friends and family This is a private space and is not open to outsiders. We typically can be very protective of this area in our lives and guard it with great passion.
The fourth space is the Intimate Space. In the intimate space there is only one other person present besides yourself and they know very personal details of your life, including closely guarded secrets. There will be very few people who you will share the intimate space with in your life. People in this space will generally be considered “family.”
Building off of these four spaces, Nelson and Kerrick write the “five truths about the four spaces.” These are observations made in their time of ministry and interaction with other church leaders.
1. We Grow Spiritually and Connect with Others in All Four Spaces
Even in the least intimate environment (the public space) we still see spiritual growth and connectedness take place. This can be seen weekly through community worship at your church. Individuals have the ability to connect with a larger group in an event such as this. Therefore, these larger groups have spiritual value, just as the smaller venues in your life.
2. We Need Relationships in All Four Spaces
“The goal is not to have balance in all four spaces but to have harmony between the spaces.” There is a key point and observation that we all must make. Too often we look for balance and do not see the need for synergy. All must not be equal, but all must work in unison to develop the other. “We are not healthy relationally if we are lacking connections in one or more of the spaces.”
3. No One Space is More Important than the Other
This point simply builds off of the previous one. God developed us to “need various kinds of relationships to survive and grow.” So, an individual who operates only in the intimate space is just as unhealthy as one who lives solely in the public space.
4. The Spaces are Interrelated and Connected Together
This point centers around the idea of identification. We use the various spaces to identify those who we will move into the next space. In a public space, for instance, we might identify someone who we will “invite” to move into our social space and potentially on to our personal space. It’s all about movement and relationships.
5. We Have a Deficit of Social Space
In this truth we find the heart of the chapter and the key issue facing small group ministry. In America, we have a social space deficit. As we age and move out of our educational institutions, we struggle to find a secure and safe social space. “Increasingly, Americans value privacy, safety and convenience and stay locked behind many layers of security in their homes, impenetrable to neighbors or passerby.”
There are “devastating” consequences, on a relational level, according to Nelson and Kerrick in this disfunction. This goes against the American tradition and is a breakdown, socially, in our nation. I often hear stories from my parents of what it was like growing up in the 50’s and 60’s. People knew their neighbors, spent time in their front (not back, hidden behind a fence) yard. You knew those who lived around you and generally invited them into your social space. This truth is no longer reality. We hide behind closed doors and screen our social interactions like an unfamiliar number on our caller ID. This is not healthy and will greatly effect future generations. Texting, email, IM, etc. only further complicate this issue.
Therefore, a principle rises out of this problem: Allow casual friendships to develop without feeling a need to force intimacy. Most people will come to a church with the need to connect with another in a social setting. They are looking for a casual environment where they can meet a potential friend. So, when building a small group ministry we should develop an environment where they can “identify those they want to get personal with and invite into their inner circle.” Looking at it from this perspective proves that it is not as much of a problem as it is an opportunity.
More to come…
